Certainty I Know

As we grow up, we learn to trust our own instincts. We like this dress and not that one. This person seems all right.  That one, not so much. We learn to believe that our judgment is accurate. At least as far as our own needs are concerned. You were right about that creepy guy in math class. You were right about those first-grade shoes. They still look adorable in the pictures.

So it is unsettling when, as we grow even older, the reverse insight beings to seep in through experience. That dress you bought on sale that you were sure you would never wear comes into its own. Years down the road, it is the perfect staple to one notable summer. That guy that maybe you didn't love at first sight? He's the guy you end up with. We often hear couples say that their relationship was...unexpected at best.

What is it about our ability to predict how we may feel about or like something that changes with time? From amorphous at birth to certain by age 14 to "I didn't see that coming" in later adulthood.

Normally, this adult-onset uncertainty is called wisdom. Or rather, the awareness that you should not be so hasty to judge or be certain is wisdom. And, usually, it's a nice surprise. Hey, I didn't know I'd ever love that dress. But even when it's pleasant, this turn-about throws me. I end up asking: what else am I certain about that is a mistake. What am I missing that I should be relishing? All because I trust that I am a self-directing person who knows his mind?

Tina Fey says in Bossypants, as others have done, that to say Yes to situations in life is, at the very least, a good exercise and, at best, a fruitful way to personal success.

So why is it so antipathic to the way many of us function? Perhaps that early certainty expands into areas it should occupy. Perhaps, our eye-on-ourselves attempts too much control. Maybe we go from feeling ourselves out and going, "Hm, I'm round and red and bouncy" to "I'm round and red and bouncy and I want to steer the winds this way so that, when I roll down this valley, A, B and C will happen."

I'm sure that's how I go about it. And maybe therein lies my mistake. That is why I will be surprised by T-shirts people give me that I don't think I will ever wear that become a staple the following week. (See pic.) That is why when I do say Yes - since I am open to suggestion - I end up liking people I wouldn't have known and diverging on interesting and meaningful paths.

I will never be able to relinquish complete control. The fact that I understand my personal properties (a bouncy ball) is not enough for me to trust that, between the terrain I'm on and my psycho-physical attributes, the road will take care of itself. I believe in this purist ideology in principle. I believe that who you are and where you are determines what happens and that too much interest in exerting control over a situation is futile. But I guess I feel as if the truly have your bouncy and other properties be expressed so that the terrain will respond to them optimally, they need to be bronzed and buffed and, certainly, overtly expressed. Maybe that's where most of our interest in personal control lies. Maybe we all understand that we can't fight the forces of our environments and nature, but keep fighting for the proper expression of our abilities, tendencies and personality.

So the wisest of all things would be to understand that the ground will not bend for you but understand also that you will not know how it hits unless you are in your proper shape. If you are a red bouncy ball, you have to be all blown up and smoothly shined or the terrain will respond to the rough, underinflated circumstances you offer. Beyond that, saying Yes is nothing more than rolling down the hill. And, honestly, once begun, who can stop the motion. Maybe the real question is do any of us really say No to anything. Or even, can we. ?